Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David, author of the term Emotional Agility, uses the following process to help people build psychological flexibility and deal more constructively with uncomfortable feelings by:
- recognising patterns of thought and feeling
- labelling them
- accepting them
- and acting on our own values
The first step is to notice when you’ve been 'hooked' by an unhelpful thought or feeling - you need to recognize you are stuck before you can change.
You might start by noticing this in retrospect, and work up to being able to do it in the moment.
Call to mind a time when you noticed that you were stuck in a repetitive pattern of thinking or a feeling that was familiar in a bad way. This is how Susan David, describes the process1:
- Show up – approach your own feelings and thoughts with honesty, curiosity and compassion. What did you feel? (not what someone else might believe you “should” feel). We label emotions to acknowledge they have a place in the decision-making process, but don’t rule it. If you have trouble labelling your emotion, take a look at this list of possible feelings - https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
- Step out – this technique is deceptively simple: insert the words “I have the feeling that…” or “I notice…” So “I am feeling sad” becomes “I notice that I’m feeling sad”. In other words, begin to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: pieces of data which may or may not be helpful.
- Walk your why – connect with who you want to be in this situation. Do you want to act in a way that moves towards your values, or denies them? Our thoughts and feelings are as changeable as the weather, but our values are always there. When we make choices to act in accordance with our deeper, and longer-lasting values, this will tend to reduce our stress levels over time.
- Make tiny tweaks – big changes are stressful in themselves. A small change in habit can help, especially if it’s one which brings us into closer alignment with our values. Choose a small change in habit which moves you closer to those long-term aims.
Now you have done this exercise retrospectively about a thought or feeling you will be better able to apply the process when you get 'hooked' in your day-to-day life.